For Oliver

For the past 20 minutes, I’ve been staring at those three words that appear before you write anything on this website, Tell Your Story… and that’s the thing…I don’t even know where to start. I could write about how in love I am with this boy, and I could write about how he makes me feel, but, frankly, I’m at a loss for words. So, Ollie, this is for you.

It’s been 137 days since I’ve last seen you, roughly 4 1/2 months, and I thought that, by this point, the dull ache in my heart would go away. Yes, I still put a pillow in your Mickey Mouse hoodie at night and pretend it’s you, I’m surprised it still holds your scent, vanilla lotion, and AXE body wash, but when I wake up in the morning I feel more alone than ever. Someone told me that you graduated from your last program, and besides feeling immense joyfulness at you getting better, I have no idea where you are. With the countless number of Google searches, the asking of friends to look up your Instagram, I can’t find anything to tell me where you are or even how you are doing.

With that, Ollie, I don’t know what to do. Is this promise of seeing each other again empty? Is your heart really as full as it was 5 months ago? Because…mine’s not. It feels like you are living across the universe and there’s no way of tethering you back to me. I’m lost. I’m scared. And I know my heart can’t take it. I’m not in love with someone else. To be completely honest I’m not even sure I could love someone else again after what we had. No, it’s not you. It’s 100% not your fault that I am feeling this way, it’s totally on me. I know that you deserve someone better.

All of this put behind, I want you to know that I will cherish what we had forever. You saved me in a moment where I gave up on hope, and you led me to believe everything was going to be okay. We both knew that I couldn’t be saved in the little time we spent together, and I want you to know that, eventually, I will get better.

Thank you for trying.

Love,

Ash